By the time this hits, we will be well into the fall, and the long, warm days of summer will be a fading memory. All the better, then, to relive and recap that balmy afternoon in late August when CCCBA had its first ever softball game and barbeque. Those of you who did not attend missed some memorable moments.
The festivities were nearly aborted before they began when Jay “Crazy Legs” Chafetz sent a wicked “message” liner at Steve “Savvy” Steinberg, barely avoiding a lifetime suspension as the missile inflicted near game-ending contusions to the wrist, chest, neck, and possibly other body parts of Steinberg, before careening into center field. But Savvy was not through for the day and, spiderlike, plotted his eventual revenge through a subsequent spate of brilliant managerial moves.
Before anyone else arrived and further damage could be inflicted on Steinberg, Lisa “Franchise” Reep snuck out of the dugout when no one was around and smacked a round of batting practice. Franchise then stealthily crept off the field to avoid any freakish accident that might endanger her ability to do her bar duties (which on this day consisted in the main of tending a different kind of bar.)
As the clock struck three, players streamed in from everywhere as fast as judges coming to an 8:30 a.m. hearing.
With something less than a full complement of players, Crazy Legs Chafetz and Savvy Steinberg improvised, setting up three four-person teams.
The game started with a whimper when team No. 1, managed a meager, lone hit in their inning, causing some grumbling in the dugout regarding the managerial skills of Crazy Legs Chafetz. While Chafetz claimed to have a long resume of softball experience, he clearly showed he had a ways to go before he could coach in the Big Leagues. Team No. 1 was never a factor in the game, even when supplemented by long-time CCCBA member Warren “Shifty” Siegel.
Team No. 2, led by Savvy Steinberg showed where true coaching genius lay as they scored two runs on a barrage of hits, aggressive base running, and big league trash talking, aided by the superlative verbal skills of rookie Micah “Motormouth” Nash.
Experienced cynical insiders received a surprise stellar pitching performance from retired Judge Richard “Bullseye” Flier, who lived up to his nickname a few moments later when he was beaned by a ball while recklessly trying to stretch a double into a triple. Bullseye Flier promptly retired a second time—this time to the dugout and bleachers, where legal-medical personnel ordered him onto the DL list for at least five games before they would clear him to play again. As Bullseye Flier has played less than one game every five years in the past, this ensured that he will be awarded a gold watch before he plays again. Meanwhile, all other players on the field quickly consulted personnel on a nearby field about their legal exposure, where the Knights were playing the Jewetts.
Before retiring from the field entirely, however, Bullseye Flier got his revenge by exceeding his role as a mediator and announcing when there was a dispute about whether an inning was over: “I am a Judge and I say there were only two outs.” Cowed by his judicial demeanor and authoritative delivery, the other 11 people on the field all accepted this pronouncement with alacrity and quickly retreated to their respective positions in the dugout and the field, properly chastened.
Spectators also were treated to a rare pitching outing from Steve “Greenhorn” Austin, whose gambit was to pronounce as often he could to whomever would listen that he had only a few pitches and hits in him and then to far exceed both of those limits.
Sports fans also were amazed to see Mary Grace “The Natural” Guzman put in an inning at shortstop. Murmuring swept the crowd. “Where did she come from? How come no one has heard of a player of this caliber before?” Behind the plate, Barry “Sure Hands” Goode kept muttering, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
Strong infield performances were also put in by Casey “Jeter” Gee and Adrienne “Hornsby” Haddad, while spectators watching Dan “Wild Thing” Pocklington were more reminded of Tim Robbins in “Bull Durham” and glad to have a fence separating themselves from the field.
Team “Dream team” No. 3 made a strong run at victory with sharp hitting up and down the lineup, but in the end they were no match for the machinations of Savvy Steinberg, who at one point cleverly absented himself from the field, thereby ensuring that his team took a commanding lead. Obviously, he had reached the sly mathematical conclusion that this was addition by subtraction.
Last but not least the crowd marveled at the gusto and bravado with which Diana “Big Casey” Becton and Brian “Little Casey” Evans approached at bat, which resulted in great movement of air masses, even if not of softballs.
In the end, a good time was had by all and memories were created that will be sure to sustain us through the long, dark days of winter.
For photos of the event, visit CCCBA’s Facebook page.
In addition to serving as CCCBA’s President this year, Jay Chafetz has a solo practice in Walnut Creek and specializes in personal injury, medical malpractice, elder abuse, trust and estate litigation and general civil litigation.
Filed Under: President's Message